dealing with narcolepsy, wedding planning, a law degree and some new fitness goals…

Let er rip..!

on October 13, 2012

This week I lost 1.1 kgs.. so in the last few weeks that means a total loss of 3.4 kgs.  I wish I could tell you this was a walk in the park.  It was not.  I was tempted often and yet I largely managed to resist temptation.  I have completed a measly, pathetic grand total of 2 exercise sessions in the last 3 weeks.  So, my laziness has proved one thing for certain.  Diet is King!  I keep hearing “It’s 80% diet” and I think – pish posh.. Never will I pish posh this concept again.

I’ve now lost 7.3 kgs since deciding to do Round 3 of the 12wbt.  In all honestly, I’m rather chuffed with myself.  So much so that yesterday when getting ready for work I took a look at a lovely Ted Baker dress that I bought in London a few years ago.  It has become a permanent fixture in my closet for all the wrong reasons.  It was one of those “ok so it doesn’t fit me now but I’m going to lose weight soon so it will fit me soon and it’s a bargain so I will buy it now because.. did I mention I am going to lose weight” yeah. . it was one of THOSE purchases…

It has never been worn.

Until yesterday.  I actually slinked into that baby.. yep.. Mr fiance man was asking if I needed help with the zip.. No, no I did not need the usual assistance required to smoosh my extra bits of skin into and around the material!  No, there was no little wiggly dance around the bedroom hop hop hopping technique to shudder the chubby bits downwards so they squished into the dress.. it just went.. ZIP !  And away I went.  Feeling like a million bucks.

My lovely little say-hello-in-the-morning-at-the-train-station-man had a brilliant reaction.  “Wow!  You look amazing today, what is the special occasion?”  Beaming, I tell him about my weight loss and how chuffed I am that the dress fits.  Life is good.  I’m so pleased with myself I happily update the facebook page for the Bikini Girls 12wbt group sharing my delight with them.

ooh la la

I get to work, and smugly plonk down at my desk with a big smirk on my face.  And what do I hear..?  A tearing sound.  I look around.. surely.. no!  I stand up and feel my bum.. and feel a nice new tear in the back of my never been worn Ted Baker dress. I promptly sit back down dismayed.. yet another ripping sound.  I hurriedly stand up again and rush myself off to the bathroom to inspect the damage.  It is NOT pretty.  Thank GOODNESS for lining in dresses.  I could kiss whoever invented this.  However, if they are in any way associated to the dodgey slap happy stitching present in the rear of my supposedly expensive dress.. well… A massive tear from the bottom of the zip right down to the split in the hem.. super obvious.  Peachy.

Now.. WHAT does one do in this situation?  I consider if I can somehow get my hands on one of those hundred little sewing kits I am constantly pilfering from hotel room offerings.. can I sew it back?  It appears not, apparently my butt is not quite as tiny as I was imagining?  Blast.  When I sit down the dress goes taut.. and clearly puts a strain on something in this godforsaken poorly designed outfit.. Because surely to GOODNESS it’s the design here.. right? Not my massive bum cheeks or wide hips that are causing this conundrum…

So.. I think of what I can do, I like to think I can be rather resourceful at times.  I have stapled hems that have lasted for years.  Sticky tape has saved me on many occasions, I can bulldog clip and paperclip material left right and centre.  However, this massive tear in my arse region is causing me some major concern.

I text the fiance…  I update the facebook Bikini Girls group with my situation.  I text my ex-work colleague who left last week who is the only person I have really bonded with at work.. I berate her for ever leaving me alone to face these kinds of disasters without her help.

Everyone is amused.  To be honest, even I am slightly amused.  Until I realise its 915am and its inevitable that at any moment my boss will call out and summons me into his office involving a 10 metre strut past all my colleagues.  Someone will notice.

I consider fainting.  I consider just walking out.  I consider running to the bathroom and waiting for the fiance to bring me new clothes.  Bless his little heart, with no prompting from me, he offers to drive the hour journey to my work with an alternate outfit.  He blames the sitting in the cupboard and re-assures me that my bum looks lovely and the dress was actually loose on me.  Design flaw he claims!

Just zipping out to pick up a new frock

I wait until the only guy in our office goes to the kitchen and I frantically call the girls to my desk and work up the courage to tell them of my situation.  They are completely wonderful about it.  “It’s happened to me”.. “but the dress isn’t even tight” “Its a design flaw a design flaw” “you’ve had it hanging in the cupboard too long”.. Im skeptical, but also most grateful for their gushing re-assurance.

So, I model my sexy new modified outfit for them all and we agree that the best plan of attack is to belt to the shops.  So I do.  In peek “fancy business man meet each other for coffee for morning meeting time” I run down Brisbane’s Creek Street and through Queen Street Mall like a possessed woman, I give new meaning to the term “walk of shame” of course I get stopped for what seems like an eternity at every intersection.. which is when I switch to my fake it till you make it mode where I am totally oozing confidence and pretending that the flapping gape in the back of my dress is the latest fashion trend..

I calmly waltz into Portmans, point at my bum and wave my tooshie in the air at the staff.  Everyone laughs.  Bugger it, if you can’t laugh at yourself in such a ridiculous situation what can you do?  So, I buy myself a new outfit (I’m considering it a weight loss treat) and I’m back at my desk within 35 minutes.  I model my newest outfit for the office and everyone agrees the trip was a success.  I’m not quite sure my bank account or my self esteem really agree with this summation just yet.. but what the heck.  I got to wear the hell out of that Ted Baker dress for a good 2 hours!

So, if you see a new trend starting where slits and rips are cut into the bum of otherwise sombre looking corporate dresses.. well.. you can safely say .. you saw it here first kids!!



One response to “Let er rip..!

  1. Tara says:

    Oh my goodness!!!!! That is seriously funny. But you poor thing…your poor dress! I’m totally into the new trend though. Everyone’s taking about it! 😉
    Good on you for being so possitive! 💜💙💛

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