dealing with narcolepsy, wedding planning, a law degree and some new fitness goals…

Pretending to be normal

on September 29, 2012

Sleep is a monster.. raaaaaggh

Lately I feel like I have been pretending to be normal.  I take a little pill a few times a day and all of a sudden, the pretending is easier.  All of a sudden sleeping is not the only thing I can think about.

The thing is, its still there.. in the back of my head.. like a monster.. this tired feeling.  When I feel the medication wearing off I realise all of a sudden how tired I actually am.  Knowing that I could sleep for hours (or days) without even trying.

When I wake up in the morning, I feel like I haven’t slept at all.

busy dreams .. all night..

Like I’ve spent the whole night doing exercise, that exhausted feeling you get after a double gym session where you really worked super extra hard.  When you get home and sit down and couldn’t be bothered having a shower because you just want to close your eyes. . just.. . for a minute.  I feel like that when I wake up.  I’ve spent the whole night dreaming, and yelling out in my sleep and going on adventures and having conversations out loud.  I wonder if spending so much time in REM and dreaming so much burns extra calories?

I’m supposed to be working on my assignment.  So far, not one word has been written, but a lot of reading has been done.  I find that during the day now, the medication helps me get through the cases and the journal articles and the pages and pages that law students are asked to read.  However, I still don’t feel quite ‘normal’.  I still feel tired.

I’m still not supposed to drive.  So I’m at the mercy of my lovely fiancé.  You may recall from my previous post, that he has done his knee, his ACL in fact.  He is due for surgery in December.  So.. he is not in a great driving state at the moment either.  My friend is borrowing my car at the moment and fiancé is my taxi-man.

I’ve met some new, (more positive) people online who are doing 12wbt and they have invited me to join them for bootcamp on Saturday (today).  It starts at 5.45am and is a 40 minute drive away.  Despite this, I was still excited to go and looking forward to meeting some new faces.

So, is it reasonable to ask my lovely (but injured) fiancé to get out of bed at 5am to drive me 40 minutes to get to bootcamp and then to come back at 7am to collect me from bootcamp?  I decide, that yes, of course its reasonable that is what you do when you love people isn’t it?  Hmmm not today kids, not today.  He is sore, and has a delivery due this morning for work, so he has to be at home, so we decide that if I have a pill and get myself ready and am feeling ok I can drive myself to bootcamp.

Yesterday I ended up helping my friends move, it wasn’t planned and my day was a bit upside down in the end.  I had a pill at 6pm to keep me going.  I’m not supposed to have it after 4pm.  So.. I was up past midnight (rare for me).  And when I woke up at 5am today to go to bootcamp.. I felt.. well I felt a bit like I’d already done a bootcamp.  My eyes were sore, my head hurt, my body was tired.

I lay there trying to tell myself I felt ok, and that it was safe to drive 40 minutes at this hour of the morning.  Eventually I realised I was just kidding myself and messaged the girls to say I couldn’t make it.  Struggling to come up with an easy way to explain this very frustrating situation I am in.

There are some places you can live where not having your license is do-able.  Where I live, it is not really very feasible.  We are at least a 20 minute drive along the freeway from anything useful.  The public transport is inconsistent and time consuming and was designed by someone who has obviously never needed to actually get anywhere useful in their lives.

Not being able to drive, and being constantly reminded that I am not supposed to drive, is a constant reminder to me that I am not well.  A reminder that there is something wrong with me.  I know it could be worse, I know it could be much worse.  Lately I just feel as though a bit of my independence has been taken from me.

No wonder senior citizens complain about moving out of their homes and being shoved into nursing homes.  No independence really sucks.

Sorry crazy lady.. no license for you!

I have my MWT on Monday to see if I can pass their ridiculously difficult “stay awake” test while on meds so that at least I can drive after taking medication.  I am really nervous about it and very worried that the answer will be no way crazy lady, you better stay off the roads for good…  We are not sure what the plan needs to be if that is the answer.

Keep you posted..



3 responses to “Pretending to be normal

  1. shesgotninelives says:

    I feel exactly the same way you do, with the tiredness at the back of your head and the exhaustion from a night of dreaming. Lately I wake up with sore legs as I’ve been shaking a lot in my sleep – I even kicked my boyfriend the other night! Hang in there; I’m lucky enough to keep my license and I don’t think we have those tests around here but I’m sure you’ll feel better soon! Even though I drive I had days where I know my limits and refuse to. I tell myself everyone goes through that, I just do more often.

    • nic77e says:

      I love hearing that other people feel the same way. I know your dreams are super intense..way more so than mine.. silly that sleep can make us more tired sometimes isn’t it!

      LOL re kicking the boyfriend.. I hope he took it ok! 🙂

  2. fitlotusblossom says:

    Good luck with the test next week, I know how difficult I would find things if I didn’t have my licence, and can only imagine how you are left feeling without your independence. I can sympathise as well on the constant tired feeling. For years now I’ve been waking up in the morning feeling exhauseted; I’d love for once to feel what it’s like to wake up and feel refreshed and not tired throughout the day. And I don’t even have a problem as severe as yours (or children for that matter) to blame for the feeling. Lately my sleeping has been getting worse – on the nights I am at home on the weekend, I’m waking up my partner, who says I sleep so restlessly it’s as though I’ve got marbles in my head that I’m rattling around and trying to get rid of. Better get myself to a sleep lab I’m thinking! Reading your story and battles with sleep and tiredness is inspiring me to try to do something about it. I truly hope that your meds are really helping, and you can get your licence, your independence, and your life back xo

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